The Refining Holidays

The holidays often arrive with mixed emotions. For some, they bring connection, laughter, and warmth. For others, they stir feelings of loneliness, grief, or a quiet ache that’s hard to name. All of this intensifies through pregnancy and postpartum depression, anxiety, grief, emotional struggles or even relationship disconnection.

Many of us have found ourselves in a room full of people, surrounded by conversation and activity, but feeling completely unseen, unsupported, or even unloved. Maybe you’ve been there too—you find yourself smiling, making small talk, while a wave of sadness or disconnection lingers underneath. Possibly even finding yourself sitting in a corner, observing, feeling alone while you entertain your baby, because that feels like your only outlet.

I’ve been there myself.

It was one of those cold, heavy, and unexpectedly emotional nights, when everyone gathered to celebrate. I quietly stepped outside from a room full of people. The moon was shining bright, but inside I felt invisible. Thoughts were racing and I was believing: No one sees me. No one cares. No one even knows what I’m carrying.

And while the environment was genuinely challenging, it was also true that I hadn’t made any attempts to reach out or connect. I was drowning in my own fears, loneliness, and sadness. But, let me be honest, not once was I allowing myself to be refined through the discomfort of the moment.

It was easier to protect myself, to retreat, to let my boundaries harden into walls. But that night taught me something important: sometimes what feels like “protecting our peace” is actually protecting our pain.

Healthy boundaries matter deeply, especially in motherhood and postpartum seasons. They help us rest, recover, and honor our limitations. But boundaries are meant to support connection, not replace it. Sometimes the refining work of healing is noticing when a boundary is nurturing us and when it might be keeping us from the very connection we long for.

It’s in these moments that the holidays become what I call refining.

Refinement doesn’t happen in comfort; it happens when we are stretched.
It’s the process of being shaped through discomfort, through loss, through choosing to stay present or gently reaching out, even when withdrawing feels safer.

During these seasons, our minds can play tricks on us. We might start to believe we don’t belong, that others don’t care, or that we’re on the outside looking in. Even if the environment is challenging, when these thoughts take hold, it’s easy to close ourselves off and assume connection is impossible with all who are present.

But often, the opposite is true.
There may be others in that same space also feeling unseen.
And sometimes, one small act can become the bridge between isolation and connection. Maybe it’s a smile, asking a simple question, or sharing our own presence with someone there.

Refinement is not about pretending to be okay.
It’s about allowing growth to happen within the discomfort.

When we choose to remain present, even in hard moments, we begin to develop new capacities: patience, compassion, empathy, courage. These moments become small, sacred opportunities to soften rather than harden.

And let’s be real, it’s easier to choose the route that emotionally hardens us, the one that feeds the painful beliefs. Yet, when we choose the refining process, with time, we notice that what once felt unbearable begins to shape us into someone steadier, more grounded, and more attuned, to ourselves and others.

My Encouragement to You

If this season feels heavy for you, know that you’re not alone. Many hearts hold both joy and grief during the holidays. Both can coexist.

Be gentle with yourself. Offer yourself grace. And yes, set boundaries.
And when you’re ready, take one small step toward connection, whether that’s with a loved one, a friend, or a therapist who can walk beside you.

Refinement isn’t easy.
But it’s often in the refining that we discover the deepest peace, compassion, and strength that exists within ourselves.

Wishing you a season of refining holidays, because beyond it being a blessing to others, it will be a blessing to you.

Your therapist,

Esmeralda Cardenas, LPC, PMH-C

“Helping mothers find healing and growth through faith-integrated, evidence-based, and creatively inspired therapy—guiding them toward resilience, connection, joy, and peace.” -Esmeralda Cardenas, LPC, PMH-C