Selfishness vs Selflessness in Motherhood
Challenging Unhealthy Beliefs about Self-Care through Motherhood
By Esmeralda Cardenas, LPC, PMH-C | Willow Path Collective
You finally got 30 minutes to yourself. The kids are cared for. The house won't fall apart. And instead of resting, you're sitting there rehearsing every reason this was a bad idea. “I should be doing something productive.” “They need me.” “What kind of mom takes time for herself?” “This is selfish.”
If that internal script sounds familiar, you're not alone. And I want to gently, but directly challenge something at the core of it:
the word selfish.
Because somewhere along the way, especially in motherhood, we started using that word to describe almost anything we do for ourselves. A shower that's longer than five minutes. Lunch with a friend. Therapy. Sleep. Saying no. And I think it's time we looked more carefully at what that word actually means — and where we, as mothers, actually land.
Let's Start With the Definition
Selfishness, by definition, is an excessive and consistent pattern of prioritizing yourself over others — to the point where you disregard their needs entirely. The key words here are excessive and disregard.
Not occasional. Not necessary. Not healthy. Excessive.
So here's the honest clinical question: Is it truly possible for a mother, a woman whose entire inner world is often organized around the needs of others to be selfish by taking an hour to breathe, move her body, or do something for herself?
For most mothers, the bar for 'selfishness' has been set so low that simply existing as a human being with needs feels like a moral failure. That's not selfishness. That's a distortion. And it's one that's costing women their mental, emotional, and physical health.
The Spectrum
If we imagine a spectrum, selfishness sits at one extreme, which is the excessive self-focus with little regard for others.
On the other side of the spectrum, which we don’t talk about enough is: selflessness.
Selflessness comes with its own kind of damage.
In motherhood, selflessness is often glorified. Celebrated, even. The mom who never asks for anything. Who runs on empty and calls it love. Who disappears into her family and forgets she was ever a whole person. We've given that a halo. But it has a cost.
There is a difference between acknowledging that motherhood involves sacrifice and making yourself the sacrifice.
Sacrifice is a reality of love. It is giving something meaningful for someone you deeply care about. But sacrifice is not the same as selecting yourself and clicking the “delete” button. You can be a devoted, loving, present mother and still have a self that matters.
Many mothers quietly sway between both extremes —
swinging from guilt-soaked self-neglect to
resentful, burning-out overwhelm, struggling to find the ground in the middle.
If that's you, this is worth paying attention to.
What God Actually Modeled
If you hold faith, here's something I want to offer, not as a theological lecture, but as a tender reminder.
In 1 Kings 19, we find Elijah, a prophet of God, completely depleted and drowned in depression to point of hopelessness. He had just done something miraculous, and then in the very next moment, he collapsed under a tree and asked to die. He was exhausted, afraid, and done.
And what did God do?
He didn't say: Push through. You have a calling. Others need you. Get up.
He sent an angel. With food. And water. And the instruction to rest. Twice.
God did not demand that Elijah to rise and keep going. He cared for him first.
That is the God we serve. A God who built rest into creation. Who knows that human beings, even those called to great things, are made of flesh, breath and limits. And who models, through Elijah, that care is not weakness. It is preparation. It is sustenance. It is, in fact, crucial.
And then there's the command we've heard so often it may have lost its weight: Love your neighbor as yourself (Mark 12:31).That verse does not say instead of yourself. It says as yourself. There is an implied assumption that you know what it means to love yourself, and that this is not only permitted, it is the standard by which you extend love outward.
You cannot pour from an empty vessel. And more importantly, you were never meant to.
So Where Is the Balance?
The healthy middle of this spectrum is not a perfect formula. It's not a schedule or a checklist. It's a practice of ongoing, honest self-awareness, asking yourself regularly:
Am I resting, or am I disappearing?
Am I giving from overflow, or from debt?
Am I caring for myself enough to show up fully for the people I love?
Self-care — the real kind, not the performative kind — looks different for every woman. For some it's movement. For others it's stillness. It might be a long shower, a therapy session, time in nature, laughter with a friend, a creative outlet, prayer, or simply sitting with a cup of coffee before anyone else wakes up.
What it is not is excessive. What it is not is ignoring others. What it is not is selfishness.
It is stewardship. Of the body, the mind, the spirit, the self — that God gave you, and that the people who love you need you to tend to.
Where Are You on the Spectrum?
Take a moment with these questions. There are no right or wrong answers, only honest ones.
1. When I do something for myself, do I feel guilt, relief, shame, peace or some complicated mix?
2. When did I last do something that replenished me emotionally, physically, or spiritually? How long ago was that?
3. If I'm honest, do I believe I deserve care? Or does it feel like something I have to earn?
4. Am I giving from a full place or am I consistently running on empty and calling it strength?
5. What would it mean for me to love myself the way I love the people in my life?
If answering those questions brought up more heaviness than you expected, that's information worth paying attention to.
You Don't Have to Figure This Out Alone
If you've been living closer to one extreme than the other—if the guilt is loud, the resentment is real, or you've simply lost sight of who you are outside of being someone's mother—therapy is not a luxury. It's a space where you get to be a person, not just a role.
At Willow Path Collective, I work with mothers who are navigating exactly this; the weight of invisible expectations, the exhaustion of selflessness, and the slow, meaningful work of learning to care for themselves without shame.
You are not selfish for needing support. You are human. And you are worth caring for.
Ready to find your balance? Reach out to Willow Path Collective to schedule a free consultation.
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Esmeralda Cardenas is a Licensed Professional Counselor and PMH-C specialist and the founder of Willow Path Collective PLLC, a virtual private practice in the San Antonio, Texas area specializing in maternal mental health.
