Good Mother vs. Bad Mother
When Christian Motherhood Feels Like a Collision
Every day, usually after several attempts to lay my son down for a nap — which he never wanted — I ended up in tears. I was filled with overwhelm, anger, and often trapped in the question, "What did I do to deserve this?"
It was a period of time in which I questioned everything I was doing as a mother.
Why was it so hard to soothe him?
Why was it so hard to enjoy motherhood?
Motherhood wasn't supposed to be this hard.
Why was I not a "natural" like I always heard it would be?
A big part of my identity was being a Christian mother. When I struggled with the reality I was facing, it truly felt like two worlds colliding: good mother vs. bad mother.
As a Christian mother, I was often surrounded by the expectation to be a good mother. Which was defined by very high expectations that felt unattainable. Every day was faced with the constant angst of wondering if I was a good mother or a bad mother. The definitions were clearly at odds.
Good mothers are:
To be calm
To be patient
To be loving
To be caring
To be sacrificial
To be a giver
To think of others, always
So who were the bad mothers within my environment?
The ones who took their babies to be cared for by someone else
Took breaks
Did not respond to babies immediately and on demand
Let their babies cry
The ones that would forget the milk, the bottle, the diapers
The ones that did not finish breastfeeding
The ones that were not taking their kids to church
The mothers who were not teaching their kids Spanish (PS- I am Mexican and this was a big challenge)
The ones that were not losing the baby weight
The ones that were not enjoying motherhood
The ones that did not find motherhood blissful
…to name a few.
The Spilling Over
The way we carry these judgments and definitions of good vs. bad mothers can seep into our soul like an oil spill in the ocean. When you are experiencing constant crying, intense fear, sleep deprivation, extreme doubt in your abilities, and guilt about not being the mother you believe you should be — the belief that you must be doing something wrong, that you deserve this suffering, becomes a deep reality in your mind.
Seeing the good in all that you are doing can feel like trying to find fish in a lake where your steps are unraveling the dirt and making the water cloudy and dark. It's not that the good isn't there, it's just hard to see it until the dirt and water separate.
As Christian mothers, it is also important to know that when you are raised to believe God is stoic, punishing, someone you must perform for in order to receive blessings, this becomes a deeply rooted reality and narrative. One that can feel impossible to rewrite. The truth is that being a mom is hard. And being a Christian mother adds another layer of complexity and challenge. Motherhood feels like an intense responsibility, and we can find ourselves fighting through this in silence; unable to speak about what we are truly carrying in our heart, mind, and body.
The constant collision of good mother vs. bad mother becomes the daily battle, which is polluting the view of yourself altogether. When you believe you are being punished, it affects the way you receive and see the goodness in how you are showing up to motherhood.
Intentional Work
There is nothing wrong with redefining the role that God has in your life, what motherhood is, and how these two can live together. Truthfully, the process of removing oil from water is slow, intentional work—yet that is exactly the kind of work that restores an environment back to life. Finding the fish again, seeing clearly again, living in the environment you deserve and with the abilities given to you—that is possible.
This is a real struggle faced by so many mothers. You are not to blame. And through this work, you can find a new freedom. A new pathway to life, to motherhood, and to Christ is available.
There were many days I sat on that same couch, feeling like a failure of a mother. What I needed most in those moments was to know I was not alone, to see what God saw in me, and that freedom from my narrative was possible.
That freedom did come. It came through community, through doing the work. It was hard to step into. And it was also life changing.
For that reason, I want to invite you to keep your heart and mind open to that possibility. Be open to it for you, or for someone you love—because it’s okay for that to be a starting point.
This is work worth doing. And you don't have to do it alone. Whether that's in therapy, in community, or simply by starting here— there is a place for you.
Written with encouragement for the moments you believe God does not see you, while feeling the hunger for Him and the need for His guidance,
Esmeralda Cardenas, LPC, PMH-C
If this resonated with you, I want you to know there is more where this came from. I am launching a newsletter, Under the Willow. It is a space where mothers gather to slow down, breathe, and be poured into through written words. You will find encouragement, resources, and updates on an upcoming community space being built specifically for mothers ready to do this work together. Sign up here or complete the form at the end of this page, and be the first to receive it.
